The job security quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you…
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.
There’s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.
Scoring this test
Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.
Mostly Bs: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.
Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.
You’re in big trouble
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…
…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”
…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.
…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling on me.
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
JOB SEARCH JARGON
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way…
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Management won’t answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from “job burnout”
10. You’re so tired; you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!!”
8. Your garbage can IS your “In” box.
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
6. You have so much on your mind; you’ve forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now
Work in the 00s
Top Ten Signs You Work in the 00s
10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as “deliverables.”
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.
5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making plans for Friday night.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix.
And the number one sign you work in the ’00s’:
1. You think a “half day” means leaving at 5 o’clock (even if you work at home).